There's a lot of fun and excitement that goes into moving to an entirely new place. The sites, sounds, smells... it's all new. Very little is familiar and every day is a new experience. It's great... until it isn't. Sometimes familiar is gone and becomes longed for. Sometimes the new is annoying, inefficient and ... you know.. stupid.
I remember when I first arrived in Morocco. I was a single woman, 22 years-old, and had never lived out of the country (or my home state for that matter). My initial excitement didn't last long as I was fairly ill-informed about life (There were only 6/8 weeks between finding out about the job and leaving.). I didn't speak Arabic (dialect) or much French, didn't know much about life in a Muslim country, had never lived in a big city (I was in a city of 5-7 million people), and on and on... But it was just me. I remember coming home after walking a few blocks to buy groceries and collapsing on my bed for hours, certain I would never leave my apartment again...let alone finish out my 2 year contract at the school where I taught.
I needed to buy some chicken as I was making chicken noodle soup and apple pie (VERY American comfort food).. A whole chicken (feathers and all) was presented to me when I muttered, "poulet??" to the man. I gasped, he chuckled and took the chicken into the back and de-feathered/de-headed it. He brought it out in a bag for me. I paid him what I was sure was too much for a chicken, gathered my other ingredients from several other vendors, and walked back home amid random men making, "kisk kisk" noises..
My thoughts ran like this: The chicken cost too much, it is probably diseased from not being kept cool, why can't they refrigerate chicken? Why can't everything be in ONE grocery STORE? Why is it so hot outside and I have to wear clothes that completely cover!? Why are the men here SO annoying???? Why is EVERYTHING stupid???
And that's when I remembered the little talk we had about culture stress during our first (jet-lagged) week in country.. I recall thinking that "I wouldn't go through that..", but clearly I had run head long into culture shock. Over the following five years I went through many cycles of culture stress. I would get annoyed, avoid everything possible, decide everything was stupid, then... realize that although things were "different," they were not "wrong." This in NO way means I didn't like the culture, people, etc... I LOVE Morocco, the culture, food, people, etc.
Culture stress (shock) runs through a natural cycle and there are many different explanations of the same thing. The one I like the most is:
fun, flight, fight, fit.
- Fun: The excitement and adventure of experiencing new people, things, and opportunities.
- Flight: Disorientation brings the urge to avoid everything and everyone that is different.
- Fight: The temptation to judge people and things that are different as bad or foolish.
- Fit: Creative interaction with the new culture that includes a willingness to understand and embrace.
Moving to Qatar, I had many expectations that I now realize were... wrong. I expected Morocco.. sort of. It was my only frame of reference for over seas living. I longed for the culture that welcomed me in, poured mint tea into beautiful little cups, served little yummy pastries, showed me what hospitality is all about, and so much more. That is not Qatar. Qataris don't seem to run in the same circles as ex-pats. I see them at malls, on the streets, A teaches them... but that's where the interaction ends. I haven't been here long enough to really grasp the who, what, why of the culture and possibly I just won't be able to. I didn't realize how much I expected...
I can say that adjusting to life overseas with children is WAY (did I mention a lot) different then adjusting on your own. I'm not sure I had any idea what to expect in terms of my children adjusting to life here. Children tend not to begin where we do. The "fun" stage isn't.. fun. They are leaving everything familiar and they didn't have a choice. We talked to them, allowed them to have opinions (that we of course influenced with promised adventure), went through leaving emotions with them, allowed them to pack mostly everything they wanted, and tried to make sure they were heard. But, they don't have a choice. We made the choice for them, and obviously felt it was the best thing for our whole family.
Our children are quite young, and so they don't display a lot of the "normal" culture (relocation) stress that adults do, but there are little signs that they are struggling: P gets tummy aches if we drive at night, they need a lot more pj days and "down days", they bicker a lot more, they play games where friends/family from the States are the characters (and usually they are visiting), they want routines (like bedtime) to be exactly the same, they need a run down of the day (every..single.. day), they DISLIKE very much that adults here call them baby (hi baby!!! constantly), and there are other subtle behaviors/annoyances...
They LOVE certain aspects of living here too: they love the community here, the open-door policy we have with friends (and that they use it), they want to know who is coming to eat with us, tea with us, be with us every day.. it's pretty unacceptable for M if people aren't coming over, they are starting to love the weather (now that we are only in the mid 90's!!).
It's a lot of mental work for A and I to keep up with what they need, but we're happy to do it as we feel they are making a very good transition, and let's be honest, they didn't ask for it...
As for A and I, we're doing ok. I think I struggle more with being here (dealing with unmet expectations is rough) than he does (or maybe I just show it more). I had my first "everything is stupid" days a couple of weeks ago. The morning went fine, and then I got a text: medical commission at 2:30... ugh. For some reason, there was an issue with my medical check when we arrived (I'm writing a separate post on the process.) and we had to go back down to see what the issue was. Now, keep in mind this isn't just down the road. It's across town, in ridiculous traffic, in the industrial area (not my favorite place), at a place that promises to be crawling with people every day...all day. It isn't quick. It isn't efficient.
I walked in and was directed to room 118. I sat and waited on a bench next to some (very smelly..) men, until I realized that waiting wasn't the protocol. I walked into an office, where a lady told me that something was "wrong" with my chest x-ray and I needed a TB test. "Ok, which room do I need to go to for that?"... "no, no, no mam, not today. We are off all next week, you have to come back in ten days, then come back two days later.." All the blood in my body rushed to my face with each pounding step I took towards the door that led me to fresh air (100 degrees.. but at least fresh). I was greeted by A, M, and a crying P (she'd been crying for an hour with an ear ache, but we HAD to go to the medical commission...).
Needless to say, when I got into the car, anything nice or positive about living here went right out the window into the SLOWEST MOVING TRAFFIC EVER! I remember uttering the words, "this is stupid.. everything is stupid.. take me back to Morocco.. at least things are "normal" there.." (lest I forget my chicken ordeal) I, of course, went on and on (I'll spare you the rant.). We stopped at the clinic on the way home, where the doctor said P did have a raging ear infection and prescribed her some drops, cream, and liquid pain killers (it seems we always get medicine in threes here). Her ear infection shoved us into week three of sick kids and/or mom (illness - another common problem when transitioning).
It was only when we arrived home that I realized I should have seen it coming... I was getting short tempered, tired, irritable, reclusive, critical... And we had hit the magical 6 week mark. The honeymoon was over. I let myself have my day of just being in a funk and then I decided that, since there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, I'd deal with the medical commission again in ten days. (I have since gone back twice and am now officially medically cleared after two months!)
The moral of this story.. It isn't all sunshine and roses, sometime you deal with the blowing sand and cacti too. Expect it if you live over seas. Know the signs for adults and children. Find a support system that you can trust - you can not go it alone. Watch for it and allow yourself (children, spouse, co-workers) time to vent/cry/be annoyed/etc. You will move on and find ways to deal or you will not make it. It really is that simple.
Here are some helpful lists if you (or someone you know) is moving/living as an ex-pat:
Common physical symptoms of culture shock can include:
- Fatigue, malaise
- Generalized aches and pains
- Increase in illness or accidents
- Excessive need for sleep or inability to sleep
- Overeating or lack of appetite/excessive dieting
- Abuse of drugs and/or alcohol
Some psychological symptoms can include:
- Sadness
- Loneliness
- Homesickness
- Idealizing the home culture
- Stereotyping host culture nationals
- Dissatisfaction with life in general
- Loss of sense of humor
- Sense of isolation, withdrawal from society
- Overwhelming and irrational fears related to the host country
- Irritability, resentment
- Family conflict
- Loss of identity
- Feelings of inadequacy or insecurity
- Negative self-image
- Developing obsessions (health, cleanliness)
- Cognitive fogginess, lack of concentration
- Depression
There's no fixed timeline for when culture stress will hit (or if it will hit), or how long it may take to begin recovery and adjustment. I know (for me) that knowledge is power, so the more information I have about what to look for, the better off I am.
Here are some tips that I liked on minimizing the effects of culture shock - you can read more
here.
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Be prepared
Knowing that culture shock exists and that it will probably affect you
will make it easier to accept. (Remember that reverse culture shock is
likely to occur when you return home)
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Adjust your expectations
Realize that many things will be done differently here. Examine your
assumptions about how they should be done, reflect on what is happening
and be willing to adjust your expectations and behavior.
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Develop social networks
It is important to have people around you to share experiences, laugh with and to give mutual support.
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Keep active and stay positive
Keep physically active, take the opportunity to discover the Netherlands
and try out new things. This will help keep you positive and
confident, and benefit your study as well.
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Keep in touch with home
Especially in the beginning, regular contact with family and friends at
home can help you adjust to the unfamiliar environment. Try not to
complain too much! Be aware that excessive contact with home can hinder
the adjustment process!
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Give yourself time to adjust
It can take some time to get used to the new environment and to develop a
routine that suits you. You may also need time to get used to the study
approach at Leiden University.
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Seek help if necessary
If you find that your symptoms are persisting or interfering too much
with your daily life, it can help to talk to someone about your
situation. The student counseling service has trained counselors who can
help you.
